**Update**
I would like to clarify something: I would never trade being Lboy's mom for a trip to Guatemala! This was a brief thought that ran through my head this week while I was thinking about all the reasons I chose not to go. I was only commenting on how we as individuals pre-parenthood change so drastically once our children are here. Our choices & decisions are no longer based on what we want, but what is best for our kiddos. Do I want to go to Guatemala? You betcha I do! Do I think that this is what is best for Lboy at this point in his little life? Nope. And that's what determined whether or not I went on this trip. Next summer, I may be heading out to who knows where (Bora Bora here I come!) and leaving for a week won't be that big of a deal.... Okay, now feel free to move on to the original post! :)
Todd is going to Guatemala this summer (required for his masters degree program.) We all know that I have major anxiety-- this is no secret. So, yes I'm nervous about the normal stuff that comes along with travelling. But, what I'm mostly nervous about in regards to this trip is actually hard for me to talk about without getting choked up.
You see I was supposed to go on this trip. We've known about it since before we found out I was pregnant, but once I found out I was going to be a mom, I knew I'd never make it down there.
I'm just going to clarify that I'm not nervous about him coming back a changed person & not loving me & all that blah blah blah nonsense, but what if he sees me differently because I chose not to go?
I am no longer the chick that wants to go hike Mt. Kilimanjaro, go backpacking for days on end, or someone who wants to head off to Latin America for an extended amount of time. Well, I want to do these things, but I feel like I can't or maybe I just won't--it's complicated. Those dreams, hopes, desires have been put on a shelf until a later day. And I don't know when or if they will ever come back down. I don't know if I'll ever be the kind of woman again who will freely pack up & just leave. I'm completely & selflessly attached to another little being now.
Now, I feel like a frumpy stay-at-home mom who has chosen to stay behind with the kiddo while dad goes off to play Indiana Jones. I am no longer adventurous, daring, or brave. I'm scared all the time, I'm constantly worrying & stressing, and this new, overly cautious person that has emerged is driving me insane!
This new woman is definitely different. She's smarter in a way, she definitely has a new knowledge base, she's more nurturing, she's sweeter, but she's also more tired, doesn't seem to have as much spunk (because she's tired), she's not as daring, or outspoken. I think this woman used have fixed hair, awesome clothes, a perkier rack, less bags under her eyes, & a great shoe collection.
Now, she's constantly overwhelmed, she's still wearing the same clothes she was wearing 3 summers ago, constantly has a mess she is cleaning up, & the list of differences are never ending. Her world shifted the day she read that pregnancy stick, it shifted around this tiny little life. In that moment, the girl she had been turned into the woman she is now. And I don't think that she has quite gotten used to the fact that she views the world so differently.
You know what. I'm going to be 100% honest. It's not Todd that I'm worried about judging me or looking at me differently for not going, it's the face staring back at me in the mirror.
11 Amazing Comments!:
I believe what you've got is a case of parenthood, and more specifically, mommydom. I know exactly what you speak of. I do know that one day, when your child is older, you won't worry so much and you can be that hot indiannette jones! BTW, THANKS for visiting me on my sits day and making me feel special!
Look at what you get in return though? Isn't it wonderful - I know some days are hard and tiring - okay most days are hard and tiring but it's really so much fun and the rewards are endless!!!!!! The day will come when you will feel free to pick up and go again - for now try to enjoy where you are at even if you're dirty and stuck in old clothes with bags under your eyes :)
I think you are completely normal for finding yourself changing! But it doesn't mean you have loose yourself in the process. Right now I'm reading about what constitutes healthy marriages, and healthy individuals in general. I'm learning that healthy individuals have established their identities in Christ and know who they are. Whatever life throws at them, they know who they are in Christ and are able to stand firm. So, you don't have to throw away those good things you valued before you had kids- your spirit of adventure, your creativity etc. When you have established your identity in Christ, you never have to worry about "loosing yourself" in your marriage or becoming too focused on your kids because when your kids move away and you have a fight with your husband, you still are who you are. Keep working on being the person Christ wants you to be. I know I'll be working on this for a LONG time!
I think it takes some time to gel the person we were before kids with the person we are after. They definitely change us, but I think the change is positive. It is important not to lose yourself. It's good to still do things you love and things you care about. The interesting thing for me is how much more those things mean to me when I get the opportunities to do them.
Two years ago, my husband and I left our then five kids and went to Guatamala for a week. It was an incredible trip. I was super anxious, having just weaned my baby and traveling to a third world country was nerve wracking for me. I am so glad we did it, though.
I think the things you are struggling with are totally normal, if it makes you feel any better!
ohhh kate i know exactly what you are talking about.....like years BC *before children* i went in a hot air balloon...today forget it...what if the wind caught it and we crashed...BC white water rafting was fun..now...what if we were thrown and i hit my head on a rock....the list could go on!
just know ur not alone
I am currently struggling with this, especially because my friends are not in the same place as I am!
Thanks for the post, its nice to see that I am not alone in my struggle with self.
Being a mommy is hard. It changes everything. You can't be selfish anymore - someone is depending on you. As your little ones grows up, his dependence on you will decrease and you will be able to be more independent (and for me, that is a REALLY good thing). You will find yourself again... it will just take some time. Good luck.
Being a mom really does change everything. And I think you worded it wonderfully. I'm sure you will find yourself in your new role and adjust to all that this new life has to offer. And I wish you all the best as you journey through it!
Seriously, get out of my head! You are creeping me out!! haha!! I feel that way sometimes too, wait...often. Only real difference was instead of an adventurous type, I was the party...center of attention type. I never missed a party, always looked fierce in my MAC makeup, Bebe dress and accessories without a care in the world. Its weird, even though I can acknowledge the change in persona, I am not upset about it. Sad sometimes and a little depressed about it? Yes, but not bitter. I understood where you were coming from waaaaaay before the "update". I cant help but truly believe, I am a waaaaaaay better person as a mother. I'm sure you are too!
Oh yeah, and I commented on one of your old post (anxiety post), while I was being a stalker. Check it out!
Dee
Kate, thank you so much for following my blog! I will definitely be following you as well! Your blog is so cute, and your content is real. I know this post was probably hard to write! I think we've all encountered times where we wonder what could have been. In those moments, I simply pray that God would begin to reveal Himself, and why He's placed me where I'm at instead of where I thought I would be. Praying that the Lord does the same for you!
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